CRACK FOUND ON GOVERNOR'S DAUGHTER
[Imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[ That'll stop 'em. ]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges !
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[He probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

New Husband Store

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City. A woman can go there to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights of steps. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

I talked to my 80 year old mom today. "I am tired" she told me. "I am ready. Every night I say my thank yous and I say I am ready now. I have lived a good life, I have wonderful children and grandchildren. I have lived to see my great grandchildren. I am so tired." Her voice was cracking with emotion.
I know she has missed my dad every single night for the past 17 years. She has buried a child. She has lived through a great world war and married her sweetheart when he came home in his Navy Crackerjacks. She has horribly debilitating arthritis that robs her of her strength and the ability to perform her activities of daily living. She can't hold her cards to play bridge anymore.
I am not shocked that she wants to die. I support her wishes. For her sake it would be nice if she would fall asleep tonight and never wake up again. She could then be in what ever heaven she believes in. She could run and dance while holding hands with my father. She could hug and kiss and rock her youngest child that she has not held in 19 years. She could be free of the arthritic pain, the diabetic needles, the shortness of breath, the loneliness. Of course I would miss her, but it is selfish to wish for her to stay here.

1. The S.O. just received a notice that he will be laid off in 60 days.

2. Wine coolers give me a headache.

3. I do not and never have smoked cigarettes.

4. My ex husband is now with wife #5.

5. My first pregnancy resulted in a miscarriage at 11 weeks.

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well for my age".
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things." He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 80?"


A Blonds year in Review:

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh"..... Bottles won't fit in typewriter ! ! !

March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out ! ! !

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets ! ! !

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast-stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms ! ! !

August - Got locked out of car in rainstorm.....car swamped, because top was down.

September - Lost a TV quiz show. The capital of California is C".....isn't it ? ? ?

October - Hate M&M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said one hour per pound and I weigh 108 ! ! !

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button On the phone ! ! !

What a year ! !