A man walks into a tattoo parlour, and asks the tattoo artist to tattoo a picture of a hundred dollar bill on his penis. The tattoo artist, being a sensitive man, refuses, telling the man that it would be too painful to do that.

The man insists on having it done, so the tattoo artist tells him that if he can come up with three good reasons to have it done, he would do it.

The man tells him, " One, I like to play with my money. Two, I like to watch my money grow. And three, my wife will blow a hundred bucks everyday!"

An old farmer named Clyde had a car accident.

In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say at the scene of the accident 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the....."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road........"

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."

Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway, when this huge semi ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurtin' real bad, and didn't want to move. I could hear ole Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible shape, just by her groans. Real soon, a Highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too. He went over to her, looked at her , took out his gun, and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are YOU feeling?" Now, what would you say?"

A cowboy's wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, born of fury and cutting calves, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn. She put his tally-whacker in a vice, and then secured it tightly and removed the handle.

Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.

The banged up Cowboy was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop!
You're not going to cut it off with that rusty damn saw are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm going to set this old shed on fire, and go to town for a cold beer. You do whatever you want."

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl -Alt- Delete' and start all over?

Not sure I really want to start over from the beginning..... naw, maybe just start over from the point of the f..k up. Yeh, that would work OK.

A woman's husband dies. He had $30,000 to his name.

After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, the widow tells her closest friend that there is none of the $30,000 left.

The friend says, "How can that be?"

The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost was $6,500. And, of course, I made donation to the church - that was $500. I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."

The friend says, "$22,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?"

The widow says, "Three carats....."