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My mindlessness


 A Literal Translation...?
 

Dear Lord," the preacher began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..." He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?" Church was pretty much over at that point...
Posted by Kelly J at 9:13 PM - 8 Comments   Add a Comment  
 

 Confucius Say
 

1. Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.

2. Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.

3. Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.

4. Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.

5. Passionate kiss like spider web--lead to undoing of fly.

6. Man with holes in pocket, feels cocky all day.

7. Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.

8. Virginity like balloon--one prick, all gone.

9. Girls who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.

10. He who farts in church, sits in own pew.

11. Baseball all wrong--man with four balls can't walk.

12. Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.

13. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.

14. Man with penis in peanut butter is f-----g nuts.

15. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.

16. Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.

17. Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.

18. Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand.

Posted by Kelly J at 9:27 AM - 7 Comments   Add a Comment  
 

 Out with February and in with ....Julgust
 

I have seen on some other blogs, that most of us are pretty fed up with this "friggin" (as Dazey so eloquently described it! LOL) long month of Ferurary. So as suggested by Captain Morgan (Yum!! I love that rum by the way!!!) we are going to abolish February and invent a new summer month.
My suggestion is: Julgust.
Good bye cruel and cold February. Can't wait for that extra summer time next Julgust!!!!!!

Posted by Kelly J at 2:25 PM - 9 Comments   Add a Comment  
 

 Because I like jokes! Thats why!
 

Classified Ad:
Wedding Gown For Sale
Only Worn Once, By Mistake

On a bumper sticker:
Honk if you want to see my finger.

Classified Ad:
Georgia Peaches
California Grown
89 Cents Lb.

In a loan company window:
"Now you can borrow enough money to get completely out of debt."

Outside a Church:
Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.

Instructions for a chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chainsaw with hands or genitals.

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?

Did that screwdriver ever belong to Philip?

Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Posted by Kelly J at 8:18 PM - 10 Comments   Add a Comment  
 

 A day in the life of a dog vs a day in the life of a cat
 

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY:

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
6:00 pm - OH BOY! PLAYING BALL! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 pm - OH BOY! SLEEPING IN MASTER'S BED! MY FAVORITE!


EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:
Day 183
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.
But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.

Posted by Kelly J at 6:55 PM - 4 Comments   Add a Comment  
 
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Author: Kelly J
From the state I'm in, USA
 
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